I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You were trust falling into bushes
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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