I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
