Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
