dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
