She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Barsexuality is the new black.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
