All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
