Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
