someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
