I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Who died my cat blue again?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
