I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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