PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
