So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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