You work out of a Hotel?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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