woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You made out with two different species that night
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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