Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
