Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
