My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
