In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
