My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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