Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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