when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
