I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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