Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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