Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
