Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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