turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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