I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
