well I can't set my house on fire every night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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