saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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