tell your sister to shave her snatch
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
