I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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