I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize