While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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