I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
