My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
