Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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