I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
