Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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