Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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