drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
