Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
