I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize