mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
