Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
