I faked an abortion last night.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
