just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
