I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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