I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
