dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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