When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I have fence marks all over my body
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
