I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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