I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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