There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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