He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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