This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize