Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My life is pants optional.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
