So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
