can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just pee around me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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