PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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