He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
