It's like God shit irony all over that family
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize