I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
