I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
