It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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