Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
