theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
